Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
