Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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