moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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