I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
