Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
