Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
