you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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