When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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