What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
