Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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