I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
