I skipped work to stalk him.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
