please come you make the beer taste better
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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