i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
