Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My dick has a subreddit
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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