wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
