I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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