Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
