By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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