cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
