He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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