Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
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Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
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We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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