Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
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