remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
