I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
