what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
