My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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