just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
