The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...