you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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