and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
