my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
And then he peed in my hair
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