She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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