she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
