Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
