Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Is Oprah even human
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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