I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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