literally had 100 drinks last night.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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