Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
