i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
