I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
