I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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