home. puking in laundry basket.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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