I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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