if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He felt like a one man threesome
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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