Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
