Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
