i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
