So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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