you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
