I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
