Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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