youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
