I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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