I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
