fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
