u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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