I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
