So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
