We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
