She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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