So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
